I wouldn’t doubt for a second that I am the only one that feels as if this year is going by so quick, but also feels like the longest year ever. It’s like I can’t believe it’s already October, but at the same time I can’t wrap my head around it still being 2020. I think we can all agree that this year has been pretty chaotic, nonetheless. I’ve also been stuck in my head lately with my own chaos & have decided fairly recently (yesterday) that I would like to reflect on each month until further notice. My hope is to relieve some of this said chaos so I can have a more clear mind to make room for better thoughts to be stored. So, without further ado, what has been bouncing around my brain in September:
- I think my main source of stress is social media. I feel like me saying that confirms that I am getting old. “It’s you kids & your dang technology” is probably going to come out of my mouth soon. But, since I am considered to be a writer, self promotion is very important to me if I want to get where I want to be. And don’t get me wrong, I love scrolling & looking at cool pictures as much as the next, but I feel as though I started to compare myself to other Instagram users. Often, I would screenshot pictures I liked & tried to copy them inch by inch. Doing so, I feel like I lost myself. I wasn’t being original & comparing myself to an original made me feel pretty low. I questioned myself on things I never thought I would have. I questioned if I was meant to be a writer or if I should just delete my entire social media existence because I wasn’t ever going to be good enough. Then, it hit me: I let myself be sucked into a vortex of never ending self-deprecation because I was trying so hard to be something/someone I am not. I became so desperate for media attention it made me forget who I am & really dislike everything I was doing because it wasn’t me & after all, it was never good enough (or so I thought.) When I realized this, I changed the direction of my appearance on social media. It definitely feels more comfortable & tranquil to know I am being authentic without comparison.
- I feel like the absence of ones attention/affection drives us mad, causing us to pour ourselves out dry for them without hesitation in hopes of it being returned. This may not be the case for all situations of such, but in my experience, that is how I’ve seen/felt it. Why is it that we always do the most for those who do the bare minimum for us? And do the least for those who do the most for us? I’ve had a bad habit of doing this & it’s draining. I’d give & give so much of myself to those who decide lifting a finger for me was enough. Then I wouldn’t have much of myself left to give to those who’ve done more than enough for me. I feel like most don’t do this on purpose, we just take things for granted without realizing. I’ve been working on this more lately. I realized that you can’t make others care for you/do what you need or what, all you can do is care for those that care for you. Mark Manson shared something last week that said, “it’s more useful to see love not as a feeling, but as an act.” I’ve been doing the dishes more often to help my mother out instead of making time for people who don’t do the same for me.
- Emotions are drugs. In Mark Manson’s book “Everything Is F*cked,” he compares our reactions with emotions to being as similar as driving a clown car. Boy, do I drive that clown car a little too often than not. My problem is that when I am upset with someone/about something, my mind unravels all these stories to me that I don’t even know to be true, but believe them anyway. And it drives me insane. I was in an altercation with someone close to me recently. Then my brain started telling me all these stories & I saw something that (I thought) confirmed one. I had a moment…then realized I overlooked a minor detail that actually proved this story to be false. My “clown car” often goes into overdrive taking over my mind, which can cause a problem to worsen. I also have a bad habit of misreading things over text when I’m upset. Still a work in progress. But, my emotions have caused me to see things that aren’t there, a hallucination if you will. Learning to stomp on the breaks when my clown car speeds off isn’t easy, but definitely something I am working on.
- I limit myself. I have mentioned before that I am in the midst of writing a novel. I told myself I was going to write 1,200 words a week, as I did. Right on the nose or sometimes a few more words were added. I think I wrote about 3 pages in 2 weeks. Yikes. In the beginning of starting this project, I had extreme paranoia & felt as though I wouldn’t be able to finish this book. I am beyond excited about this project, but my paranoia ate at me telling me that someone is out to murder me for an unknown reason or to steal my work as their own. That’s a topic for another (possible) post, but regardless, I made a limit for myself & that is all I did. I want to have this book polished & ready for publication as soon as I could, but how was that going to happen with 3 pages (maybe) every 2 weeks?! And for a while, I actually thought I was making progress. Since then, I’ve changed it to a number of pages by the end of each month & even then, I want to exceed the “limit.” I still have a bit of paranoia from time to time, but the voices have gotten quieter since the limit does not exist. (Mean Girls Pun)
- Sometimes we think we want something more than we really do.
- Old habits die hard. My biggest weakness is that I am more than forgiving. I forgive the unforgivable. Grudges? Never heard of them. When I am upset with someone, I’m upset for about 3 days tops. On again, off again relationships of all forms are kind of my specialty. I knew this about myself already. But, I became close with someone (again) who I’ve had this on again, off again type of relationship with for years. My sister said, “Why do you always run back to everyone who hurts you? Why don’t you find new people that won’t do those things to you?” I felt like she ripped my heart out & put it in front of my face. It’s different when someone else knows your flaws & lays it out on the table than just yourself acknowledging them that’s for sure. Regardless, it’s something I needed to hear. On the lighter side, I’m trying to grow out my [real] nails for the first time in my life & it’s been tough not biting them. Currently, they are the longest they’ve ever been & also look the tastiest they’ve ever looked…(I know, I’m gross. It just feels so good between my teeth!)
- What we take for granted. I’ve been trying to be more thankful for the small, big, & everything in between that goes unnoticed. For example, my arms, legs, etc. When I was in a sling last month, I never missed my arm more in my life. So take a moment to thank all of your body parts & thank the things you often overlook on a day to day basis. P.S. I strained my neck the other day because I was writing for 3 hours straight. Thank your neck today, too because mine feels like there’s a screwdriver in it.
- I already knew this one but forgot because I hadn’t been to a restaurant for a while, but buying alcoholic beverages adds up quick. You may think you only ordered a couple drinks, but then the waiter brings your bill totaling $120. Who decided $9 for a tequila shot was fair?!
- Krispy Kreme’s iced coffee is awful. Donuts: 10/10 Coffee: -2/10. Enough said.
- Simplicity is underrated. Social media makes us think we need to have more expensive this & better that, but in reality none of that junk matters! When you die, guess what you’re not going to be taking in your grave with you? Your Gucci belt & Tesla that you sold your arm for. I mean, if you have the money for it, cool. But social media has made us to believe that “extravagant” is the new normal & normal is the new “low.” I haven’t really been caught up with all that too much, but I have found the simple things to be very pleasurable. I.E.: Bike rides, sunsets, flowers, taking pictures of random things, baggy [comfortable] jeans, being a good hearted human. Y’know, things that make me feel alive not broke.
- Panera Bread has this new broccoli mac & cheese…one word: uh-maze-ing!
- Even though I’ve grown a lot from who I use to be, I still have things to work on. I also believe that I (& everyone else) always will.
